Dear Tourette’s…

Posted: January 2, 2011 in Tourettes
Tags: ,

Could you do me a favor and fuck off when I’m sitting in cars? That’d be great.

I know you don’t like the headrest pushed up like that against the top of my neck. You’re so picky and irritable. But I’d appreciate it if you took your grumblings and fucked off, because rocking my neck and shoulders for your own relief is unfair, dammit.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m cool with the whole left/right shoulder dance, since it kind of makes me look a like a dancing skeleton in that sweet Daft Punk video. That said, it gets old pretty fast. My traps feel like knotted piano wire. Ever try to knot piano wire? It’s hard! Ever try to untangle that knot? It’s damn near impossible!

Anyway, it’s not really the dance that pisses me off. It’s that you won’t let me put my head back against the seat. Just for once I’d like to lean back looking all cool. Tilt my head, throw my elbows up, lean back, tilt my chin up like, “Yeah, so WHAT?”, then bizzounce in my low rider. Yeuh.

Instead, I’m leaning slightly forward like I’ve had two shots of tequila too many and need to get ready for the intestinal Mexican wave, because when I lean back, the twitches are ten times worse. So there’s Bezuidenthustra in automobile repose: lean forward, shift to the left, shift to the right. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. ARGH!

They call it “headrest” for a reason, you know. It’s for your head to rest on. Why do you take that as a sign to light my neck on fire? Who even gave you those matches, anyway?

I’ve got a tension headache now. Thanks a lot. You’re an asshole.

Tensely yours,


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