Dear ADHD…

Posted: March 10, 2011 in ADHD
Tags: , , , ,

What is it with you and showers? Or rather, what isn’t it with you and showers?

You’re always hanging around, nagging at me. Tapping me on the shoulder. Throwing things at me. Pulling faces. Confusing. Distracting. You’re in my head, talking non-stop. Actually, it’s more like you’ve shipped ten different TVs into my brain and have them all going at full blast, 24/7. They’re picking up signals from the outside world and feeding them straight into my mind, and I can’t turn any of them off. On lucky days, I figure out ways to listen to only 2 or 3 at a time. Lucky days. Unlucky days? All 10 are playing reality shows on high volume. With extra commercials. Diaper commercials.

So there’s me, Bezuidenthustra, strolling along all day with a blaring TV showroom in his skull. This is normal ADHD stuff. But it’s nearing the end of the day. I’m tired. I’m dirty. I need a shower. I get home, head to the bathroom, crank the tap, test the water. Strip down. Step into the tub.

And then, magic. The moment I step inside that shower, the instant those water drops smash into my face, all those TVs switch off. Mass electronics suicide. And you? No more tapping. No more throwing. No more pulling faces. Nothing. You ran away, you little bastard!

So what is it with you and showers? What scares you about them?

Okay, let’s be fair. It’s not like you completely disappear. You still hang around. I imagine you squatting in the corner of my brain, arms folded across your knees, pouting about these soothing water noises spoiling all your fun. All that delightful sensory information, the sound, the water on my skin, and there’s nothing you can do to fuck it up. Yeah, you’re definitely sulking.

Don’t get me wrong. You can be a little whiny baby all you like, as long as it gets you out of my way for a while. Showers are my chance to get my thoughts organized. There’s nothing bad about melting away under a hot stream of water, especially when you get to have one of those rare, useful, uninterrupted conversations with your left brain at the same time. If this makes you want to throw things and stomp your feet, go ahead, ADHD. Showers are my time.

I’d still like to figure out the formula, though. It works on some levels with other noise stimuli (for example, good music without lyrics), but not as thoroughly or consistently as it does in the shower. If I can pare down exactly what makes you un-tick in the shower, I’ll distill and bottle it so I can start acting like a half-normal human being. And sell it. And get filthy rich. Ritalin’s great, folks, but this shit’s better! BUY NOW AND GET THIS FREE SET OF STEAK KNIVES!

Actually, no, fuck that. I don’t want to be a half-normal human being. Hell, I don’t even want to be quarter-normal. But I do want to have some control. Shutting you up is pretty awesome, ADHD. When I’m in that shower, I’m smacking you around like the wuss you are. But the moment I step out and start toweling off testicles*, you’re prancing right back up to those mental TVs, pressing buttons, switching channels, toggling volumes. I can just see your jaunty goblin elbows dancing gleefully above the screens, so excited to get all up in my bid’ness again. Crazy little imp.

If I had things my way, I’d be taking a dozen showers a day. I’d live in there. Bring on the pruning. Shit, I’d sprout goddamn gills. I’d go all lungfish on your ass.

But I can’t do that. How would I blog about it? Lungfish don’t have fingers. See, impossible.

Also, I’m pretty sure I’d die. Or end up in a river. Or both.

Point is, you’re scared of showers, and that’s a good thing for me.

Soakingly yours,

*Yes, I do mean my own testicles… usually?


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