Dear ADHD…

Posted: April 6, 2011 in ADHD
Tags: , , , , , ,

I don’t blame you for being distracted by that big TV. I’m sorry I yelled at you, okay?

It’s not your fault. It’s your very nature to be impulsive, to interrupt my choice to focus on something else. That’s just what you do, ADHD. I know. It’s okay. Don’t pout. Here, have a cookie.

No, I actually blame the owners of this coffee shop for installing the damn thing there in the first place. What the fuck is a 50-inch HD LCD doing blasting one of those news update channels in a supposedly chill coffee shop, anyway? What is this, Tokyo? If I wanted my night to turn into a neon blur, I’d move somewhere fun. Or do drugs. Or both.

More importantly, what’s that TV doing in the one corner that I can’t turn my back to? It’s like having Carrot Top dressed in a clown suit, jumping up and down and waving glowsticks in the corner of my eye.  Not pleasant, not funny, and very distracting. Couldn’t you have put the damn thing on the wall behind me? At least that way I could avoid it, and, crucially, it wouldn’t be reflecting in all the damn windows and glass displays around me. Besides, this place is too fucking small for a TV like that. Even my living room is bigger than your pretentiously pre-packaged shithole. Fuck you for being the only 24-hour coffee shop in the vicinity. Actually, fuck the whole city on that account.

But this isn’t about the city. This is about you, coffee shop owners. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Look at what you’ve done to poor ADHD over here. Just look at him, sitting here all droopy-faced, chewing listlessly on the stale cookie I gave him. Which I bought from you, may I add, for seven sacks of gold and a hamster. That’s a ridiculous price. Fuck you and your products. (Still not sure why you wanted the hamster…)

That’s right. You got him so worked up I had to yell at him. ADHD, not the hamster. Now he’s exhausted and ashamed, and he was just being himself. So do me a favor and move that fucking TV or switch it off before I pretend I do have coprolalia and start giving all the patrons an earful of verbal sludge. Nobody’s watching that TV at 2:30 AM anyway. Well, nobody other than ADHD. And maybe Carrot Top. And the hamster.

Don’t make me buy another cookie. I don’t have another hamster. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my neurosis.

There, there, ADHD. There, there.

Remote-clickingly yours,


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