Dear Tourette’s…

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Tourettes
Tags: , , , , ,

Okay, we’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? When Bezuidenthustra sits in coffee shop at 1:30am with hoodie pulled over head and fidgets out of control, Bezuidenthustra looks like sketchy crack addict who should be removed from premises. Remember? So quit it already!

Here’s the funny bit. There’s a guy at about twelve o’clock with tattoos and shaved head who looks like he just broke out of Oz. You know, the skinheads-gonna-fuck-you-in-the-dry-ass Oz we used to see on TV. This guy looks like he’s shanked a few dozen newbies, and he’s giving me nervous glances. Like I’m so beyond whacked out, even he wouldn’t fuck with me.

Actually, come to think of it, Tourette’s, maybe you’re kind of useful after all.

Wait, nope. Let’s not get carried away. It’s hard getting anything done like this. ADHD doesn’t give me a lot of leeway when it comes to focus, and here you are messing with every bit of the tiny amount of concentration I have left. My shirt seems to be burning my neck. The hood on my head is rubbing my hair the wrong way, and when it’s not doing that, it’s chafing my ears. My earphone cords are rubbing up against my throat. And, as usual, this fucking belt is just being its own fucking self. It feels like I’ve suddenly been dropped, naked, in the middle of a war between raging fire ants and bloodthirsty mosquitoes. Everything crawls, burns, or itches. Thankfully, nothing’s charged my balls yet, but knowing you, Tourette’s, you’ve probably got some prank in mind to trump even that. Fucker.

Point is, I like doing my work in this coffee shop. Unfortunately, thanks to you, I’m basically a couple of fingerless gloves away from being asked to take my business outside. Or a couple tattoos away from a knife in the kidneys. In the meantime, I’m finishing sweet bloody fuckall tonight.

I wish I could understand what makes you tic… er, I mean, tick. Some rhyme or reason would be useful. Maybe I could plan around your shenanigans, or we could agree to a truce.

Or I could just take up smoking meth. May as well act the part, right?

Nah. Just quit it already.

Unproductively yours,


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