I’ve got to give it to you: you’re really good at making me notice the dreariest bits of the day. I guess that’s some sort of skill.

Joke’s on you, though. I’m finding them amusing! That’s right, Depression. You thought you’re pissing in my cereal, but really, you’re just dishing up tasty, unspoiled bowls of Froot Loops.

It’s spring right now. You know, that time of year when Canadians get ready to pretend like they have a summer. It’s usually around this time of year that people can find me shaking my fist angrily at all kinds of inane shit. Basically, after so much winter, I’m just fed up. That’s understandable, but the ranting and raving, Depression, that’s often your doing.

Most people see promise and potential in spring. I, on the other hand, tend to see a lot of shit that just ain’t happenin’ as fast as it should, goddammit, and what the fuck is this rain doing still hanging around?! You know how people talk about finding the silver lining in things? Well, I tend to find the brown lining. You know, that hint of shit and filth caught in the skivvies of whatever potentially happy moment I might be dissecting. And that’s you poking me in the eye, Depression.

Let’s imagine a little scenario. Bezuidenthustra runs into Suzy Normal. Wow, the sun is beautiful out today, says Suzy Normal. It’s too cold for shorts and too hot for my jacket, says Bezuidenthustra, king of the brown lining. Well, I love the cherry blossoms all over the place, says Suzy Normal. Yeah, but it’s so fucking windy, the damn flowers keep blowing into my eyes, says Bezuidenthustra. Way to make sure I won’t get laid, Depression! Fucking cockblock.

Well, that used to be me. Don’t get me wrong, I still get those thoughts, you douchebag. Thing is, I’m not voicing them anymore. Instead, I’ve kept to two options. The first option is to straight up laugh at myself. Wow, way to be an overly cynical fuck, Bezuidenthustra. It’s true, voice in my head. I’m an ass.

The second option is to indulge precisely that thing which might be irritating me. Overly cheery girl on the bus getting on your nerves, Bezuidenthustra? Well, get with the cheery! Play that frolicky-gay-club-anthem-electropop-dancestravaganza you just downloaded to your Zune and start moving those hips. Can’t hate the game when you’re playing it, son.

We’ll see if the second option keeps working. Right now, it’s a welcome change from the usual. “The usual” being your negative ass, of course. Regardless, the first option is here to stay. I love laughing at weak shit.

That’s you, Depression. You’re weak shit. In case you’ve forgotten, FUCK YOU. Go hibernate for summer or something.

Unsardonically yours,

  1. Denise says:

    Haha this is awesome. Your writing makes me laugh. People who expose themselves to the negativity of the world instead of happily living in bliss like the majority of those fuck wads seem to struggle with depression. I constantly have to remind myself to focus on the good instead of the bad…although it’s pretty hard when only the negative things make the headlines that are shoved into our faces everyday. I should start writing to my adhd, ocd, gad and depression haha might help. Painting or keeping so busy that I have no time to think of such negative matters is the only thing that keeps me sane! lol

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