Dear ADHD…

Posted: May 29, 2011 in ADHD
Tags: , , , ,

I would just like to have some peace and quiet when I’m getting to sleep. Is that too much to ask?

My friends have babies. These critters wake up at all kinds of ungodly hours wanting something: to be fed, to be changed, to be loved, and so on, and so forth. Doesn’t really matter what they want — point is, if they wake up, my friends have to wake up. Baby say, monkey do.

You see, this is one of the reasons why I don’t want babies yet. (One of many, actually, but let’s stick to the point for now.) I don’t want my sleep controlled by some out of control organism unwittingly establishing its dominance as it forces others to satisfy its powerful need for full and instant gratification just as it pleases.

In other words, ADHD, I don’t want babies for the same reason that I don’t want you around. You’re out of control. You have a powerful need for full and instant gratification. And because of all that, you keep me up at night.

Hey, at least my baby-serving friends can usually get to sleep. That’s more than I can say for myself. You know what I’m talking about, ADHD. Don’t tap your fingers and whistle innocently like that, you lying sack of lying lies.  I’m talking about the constant stream of noise buzzing through my brain when I’m trying to cool off and catch some shut-eye. Most people turn off the lights/sound in their room and they’re good to go. Some might need soothing effects to ease their way, like maybe a babbling brook or a light drizzle or some other bullshit New Age “tune” they manage to pull off the iPhone app they downloaded to help drift them off to Dreamland. Yup, normal people don’t need much.

Me, on the other hand? I can forget about all that shit. All turning off the light succeeds in doing is to amplify the multiple TVs you’ve got going in my head. It’s like I’ve turned the volume up to “wince and gnash teeth” on twenty channels running simultaneously. There’s a production studio happening in my head, and you’re Dr. A. As for potentially soothing iPhone sound effects? That just turns into another brain-channel. Maybe two. Only difference is, now I’m straining to hear the cool shit from the other channels over hippie frogs chirping. That’s even more annoying. The babbling inside my skull is deafening and you’re hiding somewhere with the remote control, you bastard.

I used to think I’d be able to outlast you. I figured, if I just lie here for an hour or two, eventually I’ll pass out. But I was wrong. No can do! Turns out you can keep that shit up for many hours. I wish I could say rolling over and watching the sun come up without having even caught a wink of sleep is a strange experience for me. It’s not. It’s not all that romantic, either, fucker. It turns out the only way to “outlast” you is to just wait until the following day. At some point my body overrules your zany antics, announces a Code Red, and shuts everything down for emergency repairs. Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in inopportune places. Like on the bus. Or at work. Or while flying a plane. Okay, one of those examples may be fabricated. I don’t sleep at work.

Sometimes, when I’m lucky, reading will do the trick. Scroll through a few pages and my brain starts shutting down. Sometimes. I think it works because I’m actually managing to distract you long enough for my brain to grab the remote control. Yoink! I wish this would happen more often, though. It’s a total crapshoot. And, of course, sometimes reading actually exacerbates the issue — I begin to hyperfocus like a madman, I’m up reading past dawn, and I’m caught late for work. After which I’ll probably pass out. On the bus. Again.

This may be the first time I’ve written you about your nasty habit of keeping me awake, but it won’t be the last. If you’re so intent on keeping me awake, I’m going to start questioning your choice of TV channels. If you won’t turn the damn things off, let’s at least compromise on what we’re watching, mmkay? Please don’t make me try the damn hippie frogs again.

All in all, it’s quite ridiculous. I don’t even want to imagine all this bullshit with a baby in the mix. Just one of you life-sucking parasites is enough for now.

Okay, it’s almost 8am. Could you maybe turn the TVs down now? Ugh.

Exhaustedly yours,


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