Dear OCD…

Posted: May 31, 2011 in OCD
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Okay, fair’s fair. I’m a big man. I can admit it. You’re winning this little battle.

Actually, I should rephrase. I’m letting you win this little battle. Which, I guess, is still you winning this battle, since you’re in my head and all. Hell, this gets kind of complicated if you delve too deep, doesn’t it. Umm…

Fuck it. Point is, you’re winning this battle. I’m talking about the eating thing. Right. Bet you knew that already, though. You’re probably off crowing about it to somebody right now. “Oh, look, Bezuidenthustra thinks he’s all tough, but he can’t even eat a pepper. What a bitch.” Yeah, yeah. I know how you roll.

So I’m admitting it. You’re right. I’m being a wuss. I’m too comfortable and settled to want to tinker with this problem. But let’s face it, OCD, if I’m already moving on to tackling the eating thing, it means I’m beasting you when it comes to everything else. So HA!

That said, this is a serious problem for me. Until recently, eating like a five year old wasn’t that big of a deal. Sure, it looks silly. (Although I will never apologize for loving bubblegum ice cream, assholes!) And yes, it’s not very healthy. And yes, it can get quite boring. And finally, yes, in certain situations it can cause me considerable social grief, making me avoid places and snap at people. But, generally, it was kooky rather than calamitous. This made it easy to ignore, to shove to the back of the list of other issues I may face on any given day.

Things, however, have changed. Read the rest of this entry »


Dear ADHD…

Posted: May 29, 2011 in ADHD
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I would just like to have some peace and quiet when I’m getting to sleep. Is that too much to ask?

My friends have babies. These critters wake up at all kinds of ungodly hours wanting something: to be fed, to be changed, to be loved, and so on, and so forth. Doesn’t really matter what they want — point is, if they wake up, my friends have to wake up. Baby say, monkey do.

You see, this is one of the reasons why I don’t want babies yet. (One of many, actually, but let’s stick to the point for now.) I don’t want my sleep controlled by some out of control organism unwittingly establishing its dominance as it forces others to satisfy its powerful need for full and instant gratification just as it pleases.

In other words, ADHD, I don’t want babies for the same reason that I don’t want you around. You’re out of control. You have a powerful need for full and instant gratification. And because of all that, you keep me up at night.

Hey, at least my baby-serving friends can usually get to sleep. That’s more than I can say for myself. You know what I’m talking about, ADHD. Don’t tap your fingers and whistle innocently like that, you lying sack of lying lies. Read the rest of this entry »

I find it entertaining when my friends use “tourettesing” as a verb. I thought you should know. I’m not sure how it started, but it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite neologisms.

It seems pretty apt, actually. Most people are uncomfortable with using the word “twitch” for some reason — my theory is that they’re afraid of making their friend sound like Lindsey Lohan in detox — and few people throw “tic” around in everyday conversation. Except maybe doctors and entomologists, but I’m thinking the latter are referring to ticks, not tics. Anyway, point is it’s apt because it puts the disorder right into the symptom. No longer do I have tics — I simply have Tourette’s! Yeah, I knew you’d like that, Tourette’s. You’re kind of full of yourself.

So yeah, I approve, but I’m just wondering how far this might go. I’m thinking there’s a line to be drawn somewhere.

Examples:  Read the rest of this entry »