Dear Neuroses…

Surprise! Long time no hear, I know. But don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you guys. (I should be so lucky…)

I took some time off to do other shit. Work and stuff. You know how it goes. But it’s not like you bastards disappeared. (I should be so lucky…)

Tourette’s, it’s been a sticky summer already. Not sweltering, just sticky. And sure as shit, you’ve been hanging around. I thought we had a deal. I guess not. For the record, it’s only hot when you tear the sheets off a girl’s bed because of your amazing tiger sexin’ prowess, NOT because your shoulder’s doing some sort of weird dying chicken seizure and she just wants you to fucking lie still for a minute. We’ve got beef, Tourette’s.

OCD, I have to admit, you’ve been more laid back than I thought you’d be. Still, you keep popping up everywhere. I may have added olives and a couple other things to my repertoire, but my diet still belongs in a Nickelodeon cartoon. And I’m finding it hard to get work done because I keep fearing (and trying to skirt) imperfections. Fuck that noise. We’ve got beef, OCD.

Speaking of work, ADHD, you’re really getting on my nerves. I keep thinking I’ve trapped you, only to realize that the very process of trapping you has managed to distract me from what I’m supposed to be doing, which means, of course, that you’re not trapped at all. Also, my irritability levels have skyrocketed. I blame you. And coffee, sometimes. Mostly you, though. I don’t drink that much coffee. You know it’s true. We’ve got beef, ADHD.

As for you, Depression and GAD… Just knowing you fuckers are lurking somewhere in the background is enough to make me want to punch kittens some days. That’s an evil state of being. Nobody should be punching kittens. You’re making me evil. (Well, more evil.) That’s bullshit. I’m already as evil as I’d like to be, thanks. So yeah, we’ve got beef.

I’ll be back soon, believe me. I’ve got all sorts of fun things to tell all you morons. I also have more than a month’s worth of pent-up rage to vent, so get ready for sexy fun happy times! (I should be so lucky…)

(Not.)

Beefingly yours,
Bezuidenthustra

Dear ADHD…

I’ve had a lot of free time the last couple of months, and I’m starting to sort you out, you rascal!

I’ll post more about this in the months to come. This is just a start. I’ve ranted about all the ways you get in my way before, but I definitely don’t want you to think that I’ve somehow resigned myself to failure. Quite the contrary, my dear man! (Imagine me saying that sporting a ridiculous mustache and wearing a monocle and a top hat, please.)

I blogged a short while ago about how I’ve fine-tuned a method to get past one of your nasty habits. That’s great and all, but now that I’m self-employed and having to create my own work schedule, things are getting even more complicated. You see, if I’m going to be doing things when I want to do them, I have to be disciplined about not only starting them, but also about finishing them. And because there are so many things I’m working on right now (I mean, besides all the writing projects and the consulting thing, there are new blogs on the horizon, a couple of web comics, and I’m even starting to produce some music) on top of all my favorite distractions (Facebook, emails, blog feeds, silly sites, etc.)… Well, yeah, it’s hard enough getting started, but staying on track is becoming a bigger pain in the ass than a chili juice enema.

Obviously, I need to plan out my days carefully. And I’m doing that. Thanks, Tips. Good one. Little obvious, maybe, but I’ll let it slide.

I need more than the obvious here. I need to analyze this shit and come up with strategies to blow your fucking MIND. (Would that mean I’m blowing my own mind? Wait…) I need to put Bezuidenthustra Labs on the case.

Dear Tourette’s…

It’s almost that time of year again. We both love it, and yet, apparently, some of us also hate it. And that “some of us” is you, Tourette’s.

That’s right, summer approaches. Well, sort of. I mean, whatever passes for summer up here in the north approaches. But even though it’s only a few months’ worth of mild warmth, it still pushes the mercury up high enough to cause me to sweat, particularly since it’s so humid out here on the West Coast.

Whoa! Easy! Take ‘er eeeeaaasy, Tourette’s. Just chill out. I know you hate this whole sweat malarkey. I mean, I thought you’d be used to it by now, given how much of a sweaty fuck I am in all conditions, but I understand that summer heat (even if it’s “heat” in scare quotes) makes things a lot worse.

It’s the sticking thing that seems to get your goat.